prabāt

This blog completes one year today.

One year in the reckoning. A passionate quasi-emotional journey, still seeking an insight into the essential wholeness, completeness and the perfection of reality. A journey still searching to fulfill. Vacuums filled. But new ones searching to be filled. Longing wishes and craving emotions hoping and searching for that elusive hug of life. Dreams and their feelings searching for a wake-up kiss.

Lessons learnt to love and to know that love comes with pain, and to continue to love. And to keep loving. Different thoughts playing musical chairs trying to gain a hold on the heart, teaching the hard way to sit back and wait if you don’t get what you want, because better things are waiting and the best things take time. The ease with which simple inadequacies of our living inundate us, only to realize to do things we would otherwise not have done, simply because they have to be eventually done anyway.

We complain about complexity, about shades of gray but we often take refuge in these things. Complexity offers refuge from choice and thus action. In many situations, most of us would prefer to do nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do. How often we keep searching for that Perfect Life we always dream about. Perfect – with a Capital P. Sometimes in life, superlatives don’t matter. Just good is good enough. A no frills, no fancies, plain and simple – good. Good is beautiful! Good is great! Good is perfect!

The mind continues to wander. Memories act as intermittent oasis in its long walk through the desert of life searching for its own identity. The ‘I am’ is certain. The ‘I am this’ is not. Guided by the pleasant stopovers of nostalgic memories, the mind wanders, searching through the dry stretches of the present, in a quiet joyous expectation of good.

Prabat! The Dawn, is not far. But there is distance to be traveled. There is work to be done. There is sweat to be lost. There will be a stumble here and there. But it stumbles only because its on the move. The mind continues to wander. Still in search of… Shubh Prabaatam!

And that accounts for one year. Now, I just have the rest of my life to go.

Remember the first time your eyes fell upon that person, with a tiny tingle in your nerves and that smile which never shows up on your face even though you are all smiles and giggles inside. Or that little bit of animated talking to yourself, trying to visualize that person with naughty bits of assumptions and sneaky ideas to stamp your impressions. Welcome to the first prick of Love!

Thoughts are often deceptive. Trying to decipher our own thinking becomes an experiment in itself. But there are certain thoughts and feelings that stem from a deeply rooted emotion. Something beyond the comprehension of a human vocabulary. Something that is subjective and strange, but lucid and serene. Something not visible to eyes, but is there all over you. Something which suddenly adds a new meaning to the whiff of wind blowing over your face. Something which made you today, what you were not yesterday. Something which you knew never existed, until you came face-to-face with it.

And with some new feels, you begin to have some new needs. A need to lie helplessly in someone’s arms, a need to relish the grace glowing out of someone’s face, a need to smile and a need to see a smile on someone’s face, a need to shed a tear of affection, a need for reinstatement of an ever-present someone near you, and a bittersweet need to hear someone say “I miss you”, a need to keep speaking those words which would never be actually spoken.

Well, it’s an elementary truth, that our life and our happiness and that of those connected with us, do depend on our understanding the rules of a game infinitely more difficult and complicated than a game of cricket. The world is a complex spaghetti of invisible connections. Certain feelings do not lend themselves to conversational descriptions. Amorphous and inexplicable in their own subtle ways and rooted so deeply that they remain as recurrent oases all through the trails of your voyage through life. They are not a periodic feel that engulfs you in a certain age and fades away with the grinding routines of life, but they become one of those feels that you carry through all of your life. A self-preserved emotional shelter that offers you refuge in your future times of need.

A day for this emotion. A day to celebrate those feelings that lie beyond reasoning. A day to enjoy an excitement. A day to bow to a heavenly bliss. A day to introspect what those invisible connections lead us to. A day to redefine what we are. A day to define what we would be. Happy Valentine’s day!

And as they say, Love takes you by the tip of your hair and shakes the hell out of you. And eventually, makes you a new person altogether.